Your thoughts on Marriage

In the Lego style construction approach that I take to building the first draft of a wedding, a section on What Marriage Means to You is often a part of the mix. 

Depending on the couple, this section can morph into all sorts of shapes!

In previous ceremonies, it has turned into the Why We're Getting Married bit, the What Marriage Doesn’t Mean To Us bit, the What We’re Trying To Do Here and in the Future bit, and even the Why We Think This is a Good Idea! bit. 

This is usually (but not always!) a more serious bit of the ceremony and one that I ask folk to think about as a couple…but not from any moralistic standpoint of my own, more so that they can take a step back from all the rush-and-sort-and-fix-and-hurry of getting their day organised and think about what will be important to them in the years to follow - so this is about their marriage, not their wedding. 

It can also be a fantastic starting point for writting a list of priorities of the things you want to include in your vows…or it can even act as a place to set out your ideas, aspirations and worries so that you don’t have to say so much in your vows.

(In a cheeky way it can also be a truly great opportunity to remind busybody family members that it is your marriage...and not something that they have a say in!)

During the ceremony, I have a classic Introduction and close I use a lot.  Saying that, it just as often changes.  Either it is adapted by me to fit the circumstances, or it is changed by the couple themselves, or sometimes the ideas that come out of the above exercise fit more neatly into a section like Why I love you, or sometimes the couples thoughts on Humanism tie in really neatly with their thoughts on Marriage, so we’d weave all that together…

However, I was SO pleased with myself when I pulled this introduction together that it has almost become a Jane’s wedding ‘signature’!

It goes like this:

As you might know Humanists don’t have a book of rules that says what a marriage should be, understanding that each marriage is as individual as the couple who are making it their own:

Roxy & Clark believe…..

And where it goes from there will be up to you.  (And while it is something I really think should come from your own discussions and ideas -- like the vows -- it seems only fair to let you have some examples to look at, too.  You will find these a little further down.)

The What Marriage Means to Us part of your ceremony might be brought to a close with: 

This is their marriage.

Not something created by the state or by religion - it is theirs to define, theirs to make real, theirs to live each and every day. 

Nothing we can say can make it anything more than already exists in their hearts.

And now on to the How To...!

Where to start?

I genuinely suggest a nice dinner out.  Or just a bottle of wine might help!

Seriously…this is big stuff. This might be about when or if you want children. It might end up being about whether you want to live in the city or the country, or whether you really really want to change career, so are imagining going back to Uni.

It could even end up being about wee stuff that can become the big stuff. While you both really know that the concept you are aiming for is about love, equality and partnership…you might end up talking about washing dishes, balancing the bank accounts, or never NEVER leaving your socks on the sitting room floor again…and don’t start me on squeezing toothpaste from the middle!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking at the small stuff too, and -- because this is your ceremony -- even if you do come up with a really comprehensive list of what matters most to you both and use it to write your vows, it might be that you decide that it has done its job and does not need to be included in the ceremony, because what matters is that you both know what you mean and, actually, your distant cousin from Manchester doesn’t need to know all that.

A Finished Example

Here is a full, finished What Marriage Means section from a real ceremony, and then the actual vows that were created from them….

As you might know Humanists don’t have a book of rules that says what a marriage should be, understanding that each marriage is as individual as the couple who are making it their own.

Roxy & Clark have realised over their years together that for them marriage will be about adventure, discovery, companionship, love and comfort. It will join two people who trust in this love they have found and shaped together.  It is a partnership and team of two equals.

This is their marriage and not something created by the state or by religion - it is theirs to define, theirs to make real, theirs to live each and every day. 

Nothing we can say can make it anything more than already exists in their hearts.

Further bits and pieces of the ceremony follow that, then the vows:

Roxy & Clark will you seek to continue to take joy from your adventures, your discoveries about each other and the world around you?

We will

Will you seek to make a true home together, where you can support each other in your goals, and encourage each other in your independence, whilst knowing that the comfort you need is always at hand?

We will

Will you offer your trust to one another, and offer your love freely and without conditions, having faith that while the balance of your lives may move and change, it will always come round again?

We will

Will you cherish and learn from your shared memories, both the good and the bad, and never stop making new ones?

We will

Will you aspire to continue to have fun together, keep your conversations at the heart of your relationship,and to build a caring friendship based on mutual trust and comfort?

We will

Clark will you seek to infuriate Roxy less by not tidying things up...especially when she is in the middle of using it!

I’ll try!

Roxy will you fidget less when watching movies!

I’ll try!

Further examples from various ceremonies

(These What Marriage Means to Us examples are all from real couples, but I have changed the names to "Roxy" and "Clark" to keep things simple.)

Roxy & Clark believe…..

…marriage joins two people who trust in the love they have found.  It is a partnership of two equals, in which each can grow and be themselves, while helping the other to find their way to do the same.

Roxy & Clark believe…..

that marriage is a commitment always to listen, to care and to comfort.

It’s a promise to hug after a bad day, to take turns to make tea in the morning, to plan adventures together and to know what the other means from just a look.

It’s the promise of having someone who will always be on your side, even if that means telling you that you’re wrong!

It’s about exploring the world together, or – if apart – not being able to wait to share stories (or thousands of photographs!).

It’s about committing to a person you can’t imagine living without and who you fancy to bits.

Roxy & Clark believe…..

That marriage above all is friendship, compassion, respect and the union of two people who trust in the love they have found.

Marriage is to be fully seen by somebody and be loved anyhow.

It is a partnership of two equals, in which each can grow and be themselves.

For now they might live in London to build their careers, but a move back north to finish their working lives in Edinburgh would be the dream…and then of course retire to Portugal…

Roxy & Clark...
have – over the years - come to realise how very similar they are, quite often they say the same, very random things at the same time and have even managed to completely coincidentally buy each other identical valentines cards on 2 of their 6 valentines days together. They are 100% best friends and both dote on Brian….and even in their differences manage to compliment each other perfectly.

Their idea of marriage is two people who enjoy each others company and are happy to share life together.Two people who can be there for each other through hard times and laugh together through all the other times.  For them marriage is working as a team and never going to bed on an argument.

They have both been fortunate to have parents who have been happily married for many years, so a marriage like either of theirs would be perfect for them and will be what they aspire to in years ahead….

Roxy & Clark believe….. 
a marriage is like a good walk in the hills: before you leave the house you have to plan your route, make sure you have all you need and take a good friend for the company. 
But no matter how hard you plan your journey sometimes the unexpected happens or the situation changes and it is at this point that you have to not be afraid to change your plan. 
The walk won’t always be easy and there will be plenty of hard work required but you know how good it feels when you are standing at the top of the hill. 
Sometimes you might even get lost, tired or hungry but you know you can never give up and support one another when they are finding it tough. 
And if the worst should happen and you need help then never be afraid to call for it. 
You need courage, ambition, motivation, communication and a little bit of crazy too, but you know that it will all be worth it in the end. 
However unlike a walk, Clark & Roxy plan their marriage to have no ETA, no plan to return and no escape route ... they have all they need to wander over the hilltops and through the glens of marriage for the rest of their lives together.


Roxy & Clark…..

hope for a future together where they can continue to live in the Lakes or somewhere equally beautiful, enjoy the outdoors, continue to make the small things - like grocery shopping - fun, have a cat (or two), have a happy family, try to be as good to other people and to the planet as possible, and do plenty more adventuring…

They also have a wonderfully simple – but possibly hard to achieve – aspiration, to always listen to each other and take the time and patience to communicate well…a plan that I think many of us could take inspiration from, not just as couples, but everywhere in our lives…

They have brought us all here because they want to show each other, their friends and their family that they are committed to this brilliant life together, and in that most human of ways as the communal creatures we are, to proudly show all of you what they mean to each other.

They believe that their marriage is a promise to each other to always be there for one another. It is a commitment to each other to always support one another and to help each other when ever and where ever it is needed - or just as importantly - wanted.

This is their marriage. Not something created by the state or by religion - it is theirs to define, theirs to make real, theirs to live each and every day.