Vows

I tend to think of the vows as the bit of the ceremony that is just for you (rather than for the guests or to fulfil any legal or even just traditional parts of the day).  And while everyone will enjoy hearing them -- and maybe ‘awww’ a bit -- they won’t remember the vows in any real detail, so in some ways they will remain a part of the day that you alone will hold on to.

There are so many approaches to writing vows that it can be dizzying, which is why I’ve added this post for ideas and thoughts. Should we meet to discuss your wedding, I will most likely talk through a few vow styles in person, but I can’t go through them all.  This post will hopefully give you a chance to review my ramblings and allow you to take your time with it.

Q: Is there a right way and a wrong way to say our vows?
A: Nope.  No way.  Nyet.  Nein.  Non.  No.  First and maybe most important is that there is no right or wrong way to do this.  Let me repeat this:  there is no right or wrong way for your vows to be.  You want to go traditional?  Do it.  You want to read them in Klingon?  Way to go, you!  You want to mention the things that make you crazy, things that you love, the fact that bath night must only be on Tuesdays?  Absolutely allowed.  Vows have to be right for you, not for anyone else…so if that means that there are wee funnies or even lines that are totally meaningless to those who are listening, then that’s fine…as long as it means something to you.

Q: So, how do I start?

A:  In a way that works best for you.  I know some couples have started by talking through a sort of ‘What marriage means to us’ list or statement (that might or might not find its way into the actual ceremony) and use that as a basis for what they want to say to each other.  Some search the internet to see what others have written, which styles others have used, and this helps them choose what is right for them.  Then there are those who really don’t want to share what is most important to them with all the rest of the guests, so they have very simple or traditional vows as a way of not having to do that!  Traditional vows are also an option if you are worried about being overly emotional when reciting a really heartfelt bit (but there are other ways around that too).

Q: Do you have any hints or tips?  Any examples of vows?

A:  But of course!  

• Vows don't have to be all “I promise I will...” and “I will never..."  They can be ‘I love you for this and I’ll never forget that, and thank you for always being my whatever!"
•  I encourage you to be realistic about yourself, about each other and about the future too. Promising to be or do something for evermore is a big ask.  Many couples use wording such as: “I aspire to always…” or “I’ll try and..."
  
• You don't have to say the same words.  Perhaps you might choose to keep a section of your vows secret from each other until they are said on the day.  Then, again, perhaps your vows will be shared with each other ahead of time so that you can memorize them as a couple and say them in unison on the day.  Perhaps you want to take turns saying your vows.  Anything goes.  The most common ways couple say their vows in the weddings in which I have officiated are:
  • I say the line and you repeat it after me  
  • I read the vows as a statement to which you then answer “I do” or ” I will”
  • Learn your vows by heart and say them without my help
  • Read off a surreptitious card or out of my folder
  • Speak the vows together if they are the same

Q: I know what I want to say, but I don't know how to say it.

A: Know that you're not the first to tell me this.  I tell couples to feel free to steal lines from song lyrics that they love, poetry that moves them, or even lines from a play or a movie.  If we've met, I will have given you material from which you can pick and mix line-by-line or section by section.  And, yes, Google can be your friend in figuring out how to say what you want to say (but you can also find WAY more material than you ever wanted to encounter!).  Please remember to add, mix and match until it is what YOU want to say, and are comfortable sharing.

  

Q: Ummm...what about the legal bit?  How do I put that into my vows?

A:  Not to worry.  If the vows you write end up not having the legal bit in them for whatever reason, I will make sure they are added in later and in a way that is acceptable to you, so don’t worry about that at this stage…just focus on what you want to say.

Q: Do you have an example of a ceremony that you can share?

A: Yes!  I have many.  Below are some examples of vows, each a different style to show you what is possible.

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1st Example

Jane: Roxy…. do you accept Clark as your partner? Do you promise to share your life with him, to love and protect him and to always be supportive and understanding?

Roxy: I do. 

Jane: Do you promise to be trusting and honest, to comfort and care for him in times of sickness and in health, whatever your future may hold, from this day forward until death do you part?

Roxy: I do. And I, Roxy, accept you, Clark, in Marriage as my husband and my equal. 

Clark: Roxy, there are a thousand things about me I want only you to know, for you have found things in me that no other cared to search for and, even if they had, I would not have shared them for it is only with you that I have found the trust and comfort I needed to truly open my heart.

Thank you for being yourself with me. I love you when you are grumpy in the morning and the world is out to get you, and once you’ve had you coffee and the world is full of joy again.

I am so proud today to join my life to yours and I will do all that I can to make our lives fulfilled. I know I will mess up at times, and you will too, but I trust that we will learn from our mistakes and use our partnership to make both of us stronger.

I look forward to every day we will spend together and look back with fondness on every day we’ve shared. But now, today, at this moment, as you become my wife, my life is complete.

2nd Example

Jane: Do you Clark, in the presence of your family, accept Roxy as your wedded wife?

Clark: I do!

Jane: Do you Roxy, in the presence of your family, accept Clark as your wedded husband?

Roxy: I do!

Below can be with or without the question and answer intro above.

Jane: Clark, will you please repeat after me? [line by line]

I, Clark Gablend

Accept you, Roxy Musick, in Marriage

as my wedded wife and as my equal.

To have and to hold from this day forward,

for better or for worse,

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health.

I will love, honour and respect you

Strive to bring you happiness and laughter,

throughout our lives together,

whatever our future may hold.

Jane: Roxy, will you now please repeat after me? [line by line]

I, Roxy Musick,

In the presence of my family and friends,

Proudly accept you, Clark Gablend,

In marriage as my wedded husband

I aspire to love and respect you

throughout our lives together

I will seek to live with you

as an equal and different individual,

To recognise and accept

both our strengths and our weaknesses.

I will try to bring you happiness and laughter

throughout our lives,

whatever our future may hold.

3rd Example

You could even read this together, line about or at the same time, or use it as a framework and add your own lines to it?

Jane: Roxy, will you please repeat after me?

Today I marry my Best friend,

The one I have laughed and cried with,

The one I have learned from and shared with,

The one I have chosen to support, encourage,

And give myself to,

Through all the days given us to share.

Today I marry the one I love.

(Bertrand Russell)

4th Example
This next bit is a lovely case of ‘write your own’ vows, just so you can see how it might be done, and it is very personal, but also very beautiful too…I can tell you there wasn’t a dry eye in the house!

Jane: Roxy and Clark are now going to declare their pledges and vows before you all.  Clark, will you repeat after me?

Roxy, I love you

And I Clark accept you in marriage

As my wife and as my equal

I promise to ask you what your dreams are

and help you to achieve them

I promise to listen and hear what you say

I promise to encourage and inspire you,

to laugh with you,

and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle.

I’ll kiss you with all the love and passion

I have for you and this world

I will help you when you need it,

and step aside when you don't.

I will respect your strength, your knowledge, and who you are,

and never try to change you

You give so much to everyone

and today I give myself to you.

Pootles, I will always love you.

Jane: Roxy, if you would repeat after me….

Clark, before the eyes of earth, sea and sky,

I Roxy declare my love for you. 

Let me walk by your side as your lover,

Your friend and your confidant.

Let me be the shoulder that you lean on,

the companion of your life.

I will seek to protect you, care for you,

listen to you, cry to you and with you,

be silly with you,

never hide anything from you

and be myself with you. 

I will share all my sentiments & dreams,

fears and hopes for my entire life with you. 

I will believe in our relationship,

stand by it through the worst of times,

never take you for granted,

As I Roxy accept you Clark in marriage

as my husband

I have faith in our strength as a couple

and I will never give up on us. 

5th Example

Clark, I love you.

Today before our family and our friends

I Roxy proudly accept you in marriage

as my Husband and as my equal

Loving what I know of you,

and trusting what I do not yet know,

I look forward to the laughter

and falling in love with you

a little more every day.

Whatever our future may hold,

I will always be there for you

as your partner and your witness.

6th Example
This one incorporates a family/guest blessing too, as well as the opportunity for a wee funny at the end, and you can adapt the questions to reflect your own thoughts…and maybe pinch all the bits you like from the other vows?

Jane: Roxy and Clark, will you seek to have a loving marriage, to support each other in happiness and sorrow, health and illness?

Both: We will

Jane: Will you seek to live together as individuals, allowing each other to change and develop, while recognising each other's strengths and weaknesses?

Both: We will

Jane: Will you offer your love without conditions, having faith that it will always be returned, while understanding that its nature may change?

Both: We will

Jane: Will you seek to learn from your experiences and to build a caring friendship based on mutual trust and respect?

Both: We will

Jane: Clark will you seek to infuriate Roxy less by reducing the chaos you cause in the house and everywhere else.

Clark: I’ll try J

Jane: Roxy will you seek to be less stubborn even when Clark infuriates you now and again with his little flaws.

Roxy: I’ll try J

Jane: And to everyone here today, will you offer Roxy and Clark your love and support to help them keep these vows which they have made as they set out on their journey together? Please say “We will”!

All: We will

7th Example

  
Clark’s Vows:

Roxy, I love you

From the tips of my toes

to the ever decreasing hairs on my head

I love how you accept me for who I am

How you are kind and gentle

How you support and encourage me

How you challenge and inspire us

You are the leia to my Han

The belle to my beast

The angel to my cake

You are the first person I think of when I wake

The last person I think of when I go to sleep

I vow to love you when it's easy and love you more when it's not

I vow to stand by your side for our amazing journey through life

I vow to be the man you deserve

Roxy’s Vows:

Clark, you drive me mental.

Your untidiness makes me want to pull my hair out,

Your podcasts make me want to scream,

And you’re your casual disregard for punctuality makes me want to smack my head off a wall

But despite all of this, I happen to love you very much

I love the way you always know how to make me laugh

Your constant optimism is infectious and

Your love of life is unquestioning

You always see the good in people,

and you always see the best in me.

Not a day goes by when I don’t thank my lucky stars that we met

The last 3 years have been the happiest of my life

And I love you more and more as each day passes.

You make my life complete.

I promise to support and encourage you in all that you do

And to love you for the rest of my days,

To infinity and beyond.

Jane:  Do you promise to share your lives with each other, to love and protect each other, and to always be supportive and understanding?

Both:  We do 

Jane: Do you promise to be trusting and honest, to comfort and encourage each other, in times of sickness and in health, whatever your future may hold from this day forward?

Both: We do

Jane: …and to all our guests today do you their friends and family who have loved and supported them in the past offer your blessing for Roxy & Clarks marriage, promising to support and encourage them in their lifelong commitment to each other? If you agree, please say, "I do"

All: I do!

8th Example

Clark:

My ambition is to be all I can be for you

My intention is to do my share of the domestic chores.

I will try always to think how everything I do affects you.

I will listen to you and try to make any disagreements productive

I will endeavour to not be too wasteful – but please remember time and stress also have costs.

I will be loyal and support you physically and emotionally

As your partner I will support you in your ambitions, hobbies and goals

I believe that through our union we can accomplish more together than apart

My wish is to be a pleasant companion and lover for you to share your life with.

 Roxy:

I promise to be your best friend, to have fun and enjoy life with you.

I promise to share your love of travelling and continue to do this while we both still can.

I will allow you time to fulfil your aspirations and support you in what you do.

I will try to slow down and not rush around at 90 miles an hour doing 6 things at once.

I will ask for help when I need it, and offer help to you always.

I know I drive you to despair not being computer literate, so I will try and learn how to use it.

Through hard times and good times I will always be at your side.

Let us be friends and lovers and grow old disgracefully together.

I promise never to forget this moment.

Jane: And will you now repeat after me together?

I give myself as I am

and as I will be

for all of our lives together.

9th Example

Jane: Roxy, will you please repeat after me?

Clark, today I promise

to share the rest of my life with you. 

I will always strive to make you happy

and fill our lives with laughter.

I promise to encourage you, inspire you

and support you in all that you do.

I vow to help you love life

and never let you face your problems alone.

I promise to remember

that neither one of us is perfect

but remind myself of the ways

we are perfect for each other.

I will believe in you

even when you forget to believe in yourself. 

I promise to love, protect and respect you always.

Today I marry you,

my best friend,

my one true love,

my forever.

10th Example

Vows adapted from the Corpse Bride Movie, is properly Gothic, and would definitely need you to rehearse it all!

Props list….

This would require a table behind the couple, three candles, two long and slim and one larger in holders, a really nice goblet, some nice wine, and a pretty bottle or claret jug or decanter to put it in, as well as the rings…

 

Jane: Clark & Roxy, will you now answer to your vows?

 
Clark:

With this hand,

I will lift your sorrows.

(Raises one hand)

Roxy:

With this hand,

I will lift your sorrows.

(Reaches for his raised hand.)

(Still holding one hand Clark then reaches for the glass)

Clark: 

Your cup will never empty,
For I will be your wine.

(Lift chalice)

Roxy:

Your cup will never empty,

For I will be your wine. 

(Fill the chalice from decanter; each drink from the glass, while both holding it. Then put it back down.) 

Clark: 

With this candle,

I will light your way in darkness. 

(Best man? Lights first long candle held by Groom) 

Roxy: 

With this candle,

I will light your way in darkness. 

(Best maid? Lights second long candle held by Bride) 

(Each Lift their own candles and together light central candle.)

Clark:

With this ring,

I ask you to be mine. (Place ring on finger) 

Roxy: 

With this ring,

I ask you to be mine. (Place ring on finger)

11th Example:

Now Clark  and Roxy are going to declare their pledges and vows before you all.

Roxy:

I’ve always dreamed of a love like ours,

never believing I would be so lucky to find it.

A love so true and pure, that can make you fearless and strong.

A love that can challenge you and isn’t always perfect, because what is?

I definitely knew I had met my match

when I realised you are as stubborn as me, if not a teeny tiny bit more.

So, today as I stand before you and pledge my love to you, I promise you this:

To always encourage your dreams and passions

because through them your light shines so bright.

The day I met you I knew you were destined to achieve great things

and the talents you have know no boundaries.

I promise to always be your biggest fan. 

I promise to never stop dancing in the kitchen with you

or stop being unusually hyper and chatty first thing in the morning. 

I can’t promise you life will always be easy,

but I can promise when times are tough and life gets hard

that I will do my best to make it as easy as possible for you.

But most of all I promise to love you,

under any circumstance,

happy or sad,

easy or difficult.

You are my soulmate,

and this is the sweetest of love stories

and I promise to spend the rest of my life

making sure you know how much I love you.

Thank you Roxy…and now Clark?

Dear Roxy,

I vow to love you,

To protect you, 

To support you in every endeavour you pursue

And to dance with you in our kitchen

and in CC blooms until we are faded grey and old.

I vow to nourish you and this crazy, beautiful thing we have, 

Despite the fact your dad, Fred, is a Hibs fan

And that you are the cheekiest person I have ever known.

And even though sometimes life can be brutal and cruel,

And will challenge us and hurt those we love in ways beyond reason,

It is still a blessed life because I have your love,

and in its greatness I am made great.

Roxy - You are a soul lifting, spirit enriching, sassy, sensual, flamenco dancing, 

Kilimanjaro climbing, marathon running, 

child saving, laugh creating, Persian Wonder Woman, 

and in the words of Jackson Browne,

‘When I turn out the light, I’ve got to hand it to me’. 

I love you and I’ll love you until I’m dust.

12th example!

Roxy and Clark are now going to read you their own adaptation of I LOVE YOU, by a sadly unknown author.

I love you

For the kindness in your eyes

And the warmth in your voice,

For the honesty of your words

And the silence of your smile;

For the ways in which we’re similar,

And those in which we’re worlds apart.

For the openness of your understanding

And the acceptance of your heart;

For the tenderness of your touch

And the strength of your commitment,

For your sense of humour

And your seriousness of purpose;

For a thousand small reasons,

And one most important of all:

Simply because you are you.

In all of this world you are the one whom I cherish most,

The one with whom I hope to share my life –

Its joys, its sorrows, its accomplishments, its challenges –

While building our dreams together and growing everyday

In the love that makes us one.